On The Structural Integrity of Cookies
on Jan 31 in Blog Post by johnhornor
Uh, yeah. Back before I resolved to NEVER EVER PUBLICLY MOAN ABOUT REJECTION, I wrote this entry on the Bastardized Version. Here’s the deal – everyone gets rejected. I recently was slapped down by an editor of an anthology – I thought I was a shoe-in. I’m sure he had a good reason, even if it’s “I’m a moron.” Anyway, still getting rejections. A lot less of them now, but still…
I’m not whining. You shouldn’t either.
But yeah, back before my resolution – or maybe immediately after it – I wrote this oblique entry. It’s kinda silly.
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The Triscuit, which we love dearly around the Jacobs household, is an interesting culinary structure. Invented (and patented) in 1900, it takes whole wheat fibers, makes a mesh of them, and, by doing so, provides the hungry snacker with a cracker suitable for dips or cheeses or…whatever you want. We like to toast them with cheddar, smear them with peanut butter and jelly. We like to top with feta and cucumber and dill. Hummus goes well with the Triscuit.
We’re big fans.
Over the years, I’ve noticed that the striated nature of the Triscuit provides a structural integrity unmatched by other crackers (except by the Wheat Thin, which is deserving of a blog all its own). When dipping the Triscuit into any cheese or dip of exceedingly heavy constitution, the snacker must bear in mind the grain of the Triscuit. If you dip with the grain of the Triscuit running parralel to the surface of the dip, a cracker break is likely to happen. If the grain of the Triscuit is perpendicular to the surface of the dip, successful cracker dippage will follow, even with the chunkiest, the heaviest of dips. If done correctly, no can defend. Refer to figure A.
Fig A. 
In comparison with the mighty Triscuit, even the most stout cookie is laughable. This is due to the amalgam nature of the cookie.
A cookie, amorphous by nature, is whipped together through the most base of human desires – the sweet tooth. In the thrall of the sweet tooth, the cook will hastily measure the flour, oil, sugar, etcetera, mix them as fast as possible in a bowl, and shove them in the oven, hoping on a sweet cement to satiate his or her need, cured by heat. More often than not, the hasty cook creates a confection of unstable structural integrity. See figure B for more details.
Fig. B 
Not having any discernable grain or underlying structural cohesion, the cookie is weak all over, equally. It’s a good thing folks don’t usually want to dip them. The cookie has no underlying structure to prevent imminent collapse. Ultimately, if given world, enough, and time, the cookie, even the tastiest, will suffer structural failure.
This is how the cookie crumbles.
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This is called anisotropic strength, where the strength on one axis is much different than on another. How do I know this useless abacedarian fact? My daughter’s Ph.d at Wisconsin was all about epitaxial stress and anisotropic strength in Bismuth Ferrite. (http://gradworks.umi.com/34/88/3488572.html).
So what is the serendipitous meaning of her thesis and your blog? How should I know? But I thought it worthy of note. After reading the genuinely awesome Southern Gods, I thought the cosmic (in)signifcance of the odd coincidence might prove enlightening. Sadly that does not appear to be the case. None the less I felt moved to comment. BTW, when will the Raggedy Man be releasing an album? Will have the Dead Man Stomp at least on the B side? Here’s hoping.
That’s very interesting! Anisotropic strength, huh? Your daughter should do a comparative paper on the anisotropic strength of snacks. Fascinating (and delicious!) reading.
No Ramblin’ John music, yet! But there’s always the hope he’ll come along and herald the unmaking of the world with his dulcet tones.
That’s very funny. Triscuits ARE strong, now that I think of it. Definitely good for dipping.
Awesome. I was just dipping my triscuits in peanut butter and contemplating this same exact thing. Glad to know I’m not the only crazy one.
BTW got here by googling “triscuits are anisotrophic”. Somehow this is the only relevant result…